Parenting Children Through Crisis and Grief

Three and a half years ago, with my sister’s stage four colon cancer diagnosis, my family embarked on a journey we didn’t sign up for. Navigating serious illness and death is daunting on its own, but parenting a family through such a significant challenge is even more overwhelming. 

My sister and I lived in close proximity for most of our lives, spanning four cities and four decades. For my children, Tia Rena as they called her, (with five sisters, she felt that “Aunt” was too generic), was a second mother. Our children were in and out of each other’s houses on a daily basis. Shabbos (Sabbath) holidays, birthday parties, park trips and errands were often joint occasions. Our children coined the word “fuzzins” to describe their relationship; friends and cousins. When Rena died, my nine year old said to me “Tia Rena took me everywhere with her”. As far back as he remembers, she was part of his daily life. Her illness and passing took the second most important woman in their lives away as well as the mother of their closest “fuzzins”. 

I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy supporting Rena and her family through this challenge, yet the hardest parts for me personally were always the conversations and efforts I made for each of our children. My own pain seemed manageable, but planning for and watching our children’s hearts break was excruciating. Rena and I talked together about what we would share with our children and how we could set them up for support and resilience. Throughout these challenging conversations it became clear that parenting through crisis called upon us to be okay with contradictions. We had to accept that we weren’t going to make it all better for our children and yet still try to do our best. We had to accept that no one could ever replace Rena, and yet still make plans to keep going after she was gone. We had to project confidence and calmness to our children, while going through our own turbulent personal experiences. 

Parenting through crisis and grief is full of contradictions. We can’t possibly get it all right, yet we can’t afford to get it wrong. While each family is unique and each challenge is different, there are many families navigating challenges every day. We aren’t the only family to suffer through a crisis and we aren’t the only parents who must watch their children in pain. Rena and I both grew as individuals and mothers over the last three years and I believe these lessons are ones we both learned together. I wish I could give this article to Rena to add her comments and suggestions, but I can’t. Instead I’m offering you my perspective on five contradictions, ten realities that are true in different ways and times, as a guide for parents navigating the muddy swamp of crisis and grief with their children. 

Please share in the comments your own additions and suggestions!

Contradiction One:

In sickness and in health, you are the captain of your family. You know yourself and you know your children. You are the best person to determine what your children need and don’t need. Trust yourself and your instincts.

Rena had very strong parenting instincts and was unafraid to do what she felt was right regardless of others’ opinions. As she began to get close to the end, many people put forth their ideas and suggestions, strongly felt and urgently stated. Rena accepted some, put others on hold for a later time, and rejected others. I encouraged her to trust herself as she always had. Her wisdom and intuition was not harmed by cancer and deserved to be consulted.

Simultaneously, be open to advice and learning from others’ experiences. Many people have walked challenging roads before you and their perspective can be enlightening. Listen to advice with an attitude of curiosity and openness - while the specifics may not be exactly or immediately relevant to you, your children will benefit from your broadened perspective.

Contradiction Two:

Be honest with your children. It’s vitally important for children to know they can trust their parents to be open with them about the crisis. Often, children’s fears loom larger than the reality. If they know they can trust us to be truthful with them, they can put their fears to rest.

One of the most difficult conversations I had with my children was three months ago when Rena’s physical strength began to decline. I shared with them what the natural progression would be, (leaving open the possibility but not probability of a miracle), and then told my children that I would tell them when I felt we were getting close to the end so that they needn’t wake up every morning wondering “Will it be today?”. I eventually did have to share with them that Rena’s time in this world was coming to an end, but until then they didn’t need to be living under that daily threat.

At the same time, parents shouldn’t give children information they’re not ready for or scary details. Calmly presenting truthful information does not mean telling them daily updates or fostering fears with vague insinuations.

Contradiction Three:

It’s important to tell children that all emotions and reactions are valid. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to feel silly and it’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to have lots of different emotions and it’s okay to watch the other people in our family also have lots of different reactions. It’s okay for a child to see their parents feeling sad. It's also okay for a child to watch a parent laugh. All feelings are okay.

I went for a walk with one of my young children and shared that it must be hard for him to see his parents and grandparents so sad. My son turned to me with a straight-forward look and said matter-of-factly, “Of course you’re sad. She’s your sister.” With that, he hopped on his bike and rode off. Not all kids feel complicated emotions at all times! Sometimes it really is simple.

Nonetheless, parents can share that we are one-hundred percent confident that just as we are all suffering through this challenge together, we will come out the other side and truly be okay together. Right now we’re crying, but the day will come when we will joyfully laugh again. Whatever our current feelings are, we must project to our children complete confidence that everyone impacted by this challenge will eventually thrive.

Contradiction Four:

Parents of faith must tell our children that God is good and we fully accept that everything He does is perfect.

I had to practice saying this to myself before I could tell it to my children with the firmness and conviction that I wanted to express. Children can sense hypocrisy a mile away, and it is worth taking the time we need to fully feel this truth before we try to share it with our children.

At the same time, we must also tell our children that God gives us situations that hurt and it’s normal to feel pained and upset with His decisions. No child should feel that if they are sad, scared, or angry at God, they are lacking in faith or religiosity. He gives us situations that are very difficult and holds us through all the complexities of the grieving process. God can handle our anger. He can handle our grief. It’s okay to feel distress over His decisions.

Psalms is full of passages where King David expresses his sorrow and grief. We can connect to God through our sadness as well as our joy. Parents should be prepared to hear their children express anger or resentment at God and accept it as normal behavior.

Contradiction Five:

Our children must know that God hears and treasures all our prayers. Each prayer makes an impact in the world, whether or not we see the result.

The fact that Rena wasn’t cured doesn’t mean that the thousands of prayers said on her behalf were rejected. On the contrary, they were lovingly collected and answered, albeit in ways we don’t understand. Our prayers for recovery contributed to her physical and emotional comfort through the end and they surely are contributing to her husband and children’s continued wellbeing. The impact of prayer is significant and lasting, though we don't always get to understand how they effect change.

At the same time, parents must make sure our children understand that they were and are incapable of changing the situation and nothing they did or didn’t do caused the challenge. No child (or adult) should be left wondering if they had only prayed one more prayer or done one more righteous act, could the crisis have ended differently. God’s decisions are His alone and He does what He knows is right, regardless of our prayers, faith, and efforts. 

Prayers were said around the clock and globe for Rena. The book of Psalms was recited well over 1,000 times over the course of her illness. I prayed and my children prayed, but I never asked them to pray or recite Psalms on Rena's behalf. I did not want my children to think that prayer is the way we "manipulate" God to grant our desires. It is our means to connect to Him, not to force Him to accede to our wishes.

May God provide strength and solace through life's challenges and may we all merit to parent our children through many joyous occasions!

What insights can you share on parenting a family through crisis and grief?