Right now, as I attempt to write, I’m listening to the sounds of two of my children cooking dinner a few feet away from me. They are working good-naturedly, but they assuredly didn’t volunteer for the job. I asked them to help. As if parenting needed to get any more complicated than it already is, requesting children’s participation in family tasks is an area fraught with tension, often leaving parents confused and conflicted. Fortunately, Torah (Biblical) wisdom sheds light on the topic.
This week’s Torah reading of Parshas Vayeitzei (Genesis 28:10-32:3) heralds the beginnings of the Jewish people with the births of eleven of Yaakov’s (Jacob’s) children, the future tribes of Israel. Eventually, Yaakov determined that his growing family was ready to depart his father-in-law’s home and return to Israel, but he opted to leave secretly so as not to give his trickster father-in-law an opportunity to stop him. Sure enough, when Lavan (Laban) discovered that Yaakov’s family was gone, he pursued them. In a dramatic meeting, the two men agreed to a non-aggression pact which they enacted over a cairn built by Jacob and his sons. Unexpectedly, the verse doesn’t refer to them as Yaakov's sons, but rather his brothers. “Jacob said to his brothers, ‘Gather stones’, and they gathered stones and made a mound.” (Genesis 31:46) Why does the Torah refer to Yaakov’s children as his brothers? What are we meant to learn from this?
The lesson for us is that a family is not simply two parents providing for children. A family can and should act like a cohesive unit with children participating in family activities with their parents. This isn’t to imply that parents should abdicate parental responsibility or put the emotional burden of situations on their children, but rather allow children to contribute to the family’s well being in ways appropriate to their abilities. In this case, Jacob’s family was finalizing a treaty, and the children partnered with their father to gather stones and build a cairn.
We all yearn to feel significant. Neither we nor our children want to perpetually be recipients or dependants. One way a parent can offer a child dignity is by allowing them to contribute to the family’s well being. Helping out at home not only gives a child important opportunities to build life skills and confidence, but also makes them feel significant to their family.
Dr. Delaney Ruston’s terrific documentary Screenagers: The Next Chapter, discusses adolescence, technology, and mental health. The film describes a study wherein researchers intentionally gave children puzzles beyond their capabilities. Each child was in a room with their mother while tackling a challenge impossible for them to solve. The researchers effectively forced mothers to watch their children fail in a task. The mothers were instructed not to interfere, but inevitably each mother stepped in and helped her kids with their challenge. What I find most fascinating is that when the mothers intervened to help, their own measured stress levels went down, but their children’s stress levels simultaneously rose! By taking away their child’s opportunity to work through a difficult challenge, the mothers felt relieved but their kids felt worse. Our children need to have opportunities to tackle big jobs. They need a chance to help us with cooking, yard maintenance and other tasks where we can allow them opportunities to stretch, grow, and not just be our dependents, but also our brothers and partners.
Share Your Thoughts! What jobs do you find appropriate for your kids?
Comments