Greatness or Grasshoppers: Forming a Child's Self Image

My son was an inquisitive, social child. As a toddler he spent all day talking, asking questions, and interacting with everyone he encountered. With one exception. Every time we participated in our local library’s programs or nature center classes he would sit silently, absorbing everything but without reacting or interacting with anyone. My son loved these classes and we attended them regularly, but the child I saw in the classroom was a different child than the one I saw everywhere else.  The teachers running our programs got to know us as we attended week after week, but the child they knew was a shadow of the boy he was elsewhere. Long before I began homeschooling I knew that I didn’t want to enroll my child in school until his teachers in the classroom could get to know the same delightful boy I knew outside of school. Why did this matter to me? The answer lies in the Book of Numbers.

This week’s Torah portion, Parshas Shelach  (Numbers 13:1 - 15:41) contains the infamous story of the twelve spies sent to scout the Promised Land in preparation for the Jewish people’s entry.  Catastrophically, ten of the spies returned with negative feedback about the Land of Israel, which led to a forty year delay before the nation finally entered the land. In their report the spies described the overwhelming strength of the inhabitants of Canaan with these words, “We were in our own eyes like grasshoppers, and so we were also in their eyes.” (Numbers 13:33)

First they said that they viewed themselves as tiny and insignificant as grasshoppers, and only afterwards do they add that others also perceived them that way. The message is profound.  Contrary to what many think, we aren’t defined or limited by others’ perceptions. Our own self-image subtly and powerfully projects to the world what we think about ourselves, with far greater consequence than the impact made by anyone else’s opinions. Without consciously doing so, we broadcast how we see ourselves to the world, and ultimately others end up perceiving us the same way. When great leaders of Israel felt insignificant like grasshoppers, the inhabitants of the land looked down on them as grasshoppers too.

This lesson is powerful and instructive, but there is an important caveat for parents and educators. While it is true that healthy adults project self-image from the inside out, our children’s self-image is very much shaped by how the children think the adults in their lives perceive them. Every parent has a tremendous influence on their child’s self-image. Through the reflections of our eyes, our children learn that they are kind, creative, beautiful, resourceful, inquisitive, or not. When our child is lying in bed instead of getting dressed long after we’ve called them to get up, we can choose to think of them as lazy or relaxed. The child who pushes back on every parental decision can either be considered defiant or an independent thinker. Whether or not we are aware that we’re broadcasting our opinions, our children absorb our perspective. Parents and educators have a responsibility and privilege to see the positive in our children so they will learn to see it in themselves. (Please note that viewing our children through a lens of positivity doesn’t mean we ignore poor behavior. It simply means that we change our emotional response and inner narrative about their natures.)

When I hesitated to enroll my son in preschool as long as his classroom behavior was so dissimilar to his true nature, it was because I didn’t want him to learn to see himself the way teachers at that point in time would see him. He was a vivacious, engaging boy despite the way he presented in classrooms, and I didn’t want to run the risk of a young child absorbing a limiting self-image from people who didn’t know the other side of his personality.

When parents perceive their children as tenacious (instead of stubborn), persuasive (instead of  argumentative), stimulating (but not exhausting), creative (not messy), they’re building their children’s self-image. Every incident has its positive angle and every character trait has a strength. It’s up to us to view our kids the way we want them to perceive themselves.

This week's article is dedicated to the memory of two great men, alumni of one of my son's schools, who recently fell in combat in Gaza, Warrant Officer (res.) Elon Weiss, 49 and Sgt. Maj. (res.) Malkia Gross, 25. May Hashem avenge their blood and bring comfort to their families.