Building More Than a Home—Building Confident, Capable Children

Every Friday morning, my children and I set aside our homeschooling studies to prepare for Shabbos (Sabbath) together. With music playing in the background, one child bakes dessert, another makes a salad, and a third washes dishes or sets the table. We've followed this routine since they were very young. Years ago, I would cook most of the Shabbos meals on Thursday evening to allow myself the extra time needed to accept the “help” of my toddlers and preschoolers on Friday. It would have been easier and faster to cook alone, but I wanted my children to see themselves as contributors to our family from an early age. Their “help”—before it was truly helpful—laid the foundation for them to grow into competent and compassionate individuals who continue to assist others.

In Parshas Terumah (Exodus 25:1-27:19), the Jewish people are commanded to build the Mishkan (Tabernacle). Hashem (God) does not need a dwelling on earth, and if He did, He could create it instantly and perfectly. The commandment to build the Mishkan is not for His sake but for ours. The Sefer HaChinuch (a 13th-century Spanish Torah commentary) explains that the requirement to contribute and build it ourselves was because we needed the act of giving—not because God needed our Tabernacle. This is reflected in the wording of the Torah portion: “And they should take for Me a donation,” rather than “And they should give.” The emphasis is on what the giver gains through giving.

Everyone was required to contribute to the Mishkan. The Torah lists thirteen materials needed for its construction, paralleling the thirteen tribes who gave. The Tabernacle was a collective effort—no exceptions. Giving is transformative; it allows a person to receive more than they give. Fresh out of generations of slavery and poverty, the Jewish people needed to recognize their own resources, skills, and self-worth. By commanding every Jew to contribute to His dwelling place, God was showing them their own wealth and abilities. Through giving generously, they could come to see their own value.

This lesson is what inspires mothers to involve their children in family responsibilities. Every family consists of individuals with different strengths, weaknesses, and contributions to make. Just as the Tabernacle required offerings from every tribe—men and women, leaders and laypeople—our homes are built when everyone has a role and contributes in their own way. Of course, we can cook and clean without our children's help, but our children need to help for their own growth.

There are two ways a mother can ask for help. One way is out of personal necessity—when we feel overwhelmed. That’s not wrong and is sometimes unavoidable. However, there is a more powerful way: asking for help because it is important for our children to contribute. When we recognize that our children need to give, not just that we need help, the request—and its impact—changes entirely.

When we focus on our own needs, we often turn to the most capable or readily available child. But when we focus on our children's need to contribute, we take a different approach. Parents can proactively consider what each child can offer and how to encourage their unique strengths. Sit down with your spouse and discuss each child’s abilities. Brainstorm ways they can help, even if those tasks aren’t priorities for you. Perhaps your daughter loves organizing—let her arrange drawers. If your son has endless energy, put him in charge of bringing in groceries or taking out the trash. By thoughtfully assigning responsibilities, we empower our children—not only to support the family but for their own development.

Everyone needs to be a giver. Everyone has something to contribute. And in giving, each person receives far more than they give.

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